About the author : Antwuan Malone
Antwuan Malone is a Ministry Director at ELEVATE Young Adult Ministry (elevateministry.net) where empowers young adults toward Christian leadership. He is passionate about seeing young adults take their place in church history by drawing near enough to God to hear his call on their life, and courageously living in obedience to that call.
Listen to the Podcast (me and my wife): Read sister post about What Women Want
When it comes to relationships, the most fellas are portrayed as cave men with single track minds. The typical guy is said to think this way: Sex. Food. Sex. Sleep. Sex. Shh… Sports. Sex. Ooh, Ipad. Sex.
Conversely, the predominant idea is that women have this love and relationship thing figured out. It’s all over the movies we see and the stories we overhear in our work offices. If the guys could just get our lovey-dovey acts together, the world would be a better, more relationship-friendly place.
Right. And my name is Denzel Washington. I’m here to speak up for the lover boys. Below are few things good men want, but rarely get.
The Thrill of the Hunt (Sex)
Let’s just deal with this sex thing and get it out of the way. Most married men don’t get enough sex, and there’s no shortage of reading material out there trying to explain why. I submit the single cause is the“gotcha” mentality.
Most men prefer pursuit. Most women enjoy feeling pursued. It’s this cat-and -mouse game that makes the dating world go round. Men hunt. Women elicit hunters. On the whole, that’s the way of things (though I could make that case that both sexes hunt, just one more passive aggressively than the other, but that’s a different post.)
The question is, what happens to those primal urges “after the honeymoon” phase?
First, fellas, we can never accept that we’ve “won” our spouses. We must be in constant pursuit of her. If not, we just might find something else to pursue, like our careers, money, or heaven forbid the allure of relationus infidelus (affairs). Now, ladies, a good man wants to pursue his own lady continually, but after long periods of time and relational bliss, she often presents a game unworthy of pursuit. She becomes “a rabbit with no meat on it.” Un-hunt worthy. Not worth chasing.
I heard that… the collective moans at reading that last paragraph. “Oh no he didn’t!” from the ladies, and “Oh crap!” from the men despite their inner delight. Everybody calm down. Take a deep breath.
By huntworthy, I’m not just talking about women getting/staying in physical shape, though admittedly fitness holds the obvious merits for both parties. Don’t be so sensitive. If he’s been with you for a while, he’s probably found more reason to stay around than your physical appearance, strikingly beautiful as you may still be.
When men complain about not getting enough sex, most assume they are talking quantity. And they are in some cases. But what I think he really means is more quality? Could He really mean that he doesn’t get enough good sex?
Good sex requires a good pre-game. A sort of stretching, warm-up period. Society says women know this already. In fact, they’re the ones usually suggesting a little pre-game affection helps them fully engage.
I agree. Foreplay plays to the fundamental female need to feel desired. They want to be treated with care and consideration. Like a prize after a chase. Understandable.
But what about the male need to pursue? Where’s the “pregame” for that? Ladies, you already know the answer. It’s as old and true a statement as ever has been said. Play hard to get.
The, dare I say, sexy (yes, Christians can be sexy), flirty nature females naturally emit is often snuffed out in long lasting relationships. Especially in marriages, where parenting, work, and house management saps all the estrogenal (yes, made up word) energy. Who has time for cat-and-mouse? Indeed. Welcome to our world ladies. Who has time for foreplay?
But you must make awaken the hunter in him and present yourself as a prey worth chasing. A good man wants you to. And it’s so easy. It’s in the smallest of actions: a delicate touch here, some eye contact and a wink there, a little wait, some teasing anticipation. This is what guys are missing, though we may not be able to say it clearly.
His claim to “not enough sex” may simply mean he misses the chase. Awaken your hunter. In doing so, by some twisted way of things, he’ll end up feeling desired which uncovers the great underlying mystery to all of this. Egads! Men want to be desired too. Your teasing and flirting tells, or reaffirms, him you still want him to chase. And chase you he will, even when he knows he’ll win!
Hmm, perhaps we’re not so different after all.
Manly Men (Respect)
Respect is one of the most common answers to questions asking what men want. And it could mean many different things.Ask a room full of people what “respecting a man” means and you’ll get twenty different answers. I will try to clear up some of the ambiguity (and likely fail).
When thoughtfully buying a gift, knowing what the recipient likes helps, right? If we don’t know what they like, then we likely get them what we like. If we like expensive gifts, we’ll gift something luxurious, even though a hand-crafted gift might mean much more. And vice versa. Someone may not find any significance in sentimental gifts, and only values the things you actually spent money on.
You see the problem here. A good gift relies largely on the personal preference of the one receiving the gift. This isn’t groundbreaking news.
If we apply this to the male need for “respect” in relationships, we’ll find it’s similar. Ladies, if you want your man to feel respected, you must communicate respect in the language he receives it. You must learn what makes him feel like a man.
This can differ from guy to guy. But! Once you know this valuable information, take full advantage.
If he is a fixer, remind him how great he is at fixing things, and how lucky you are to have him. If he is a provider, thank him for the work he does to provide. If he is a great father, tell him how lucky the kids are to have him as their dad. And so on. Do this often. Let him know he is, indeed, living up to his own standard of manhood (unless such a standard goes against Christian principles). Trust me, he may not even know what hit him.
The more a man feels like a man, the better man he tends to be. The trick for him is to align his thoughts with the scriptures. But in reality, many of the things you’ll find are “spiritually neutral” as are the things I listed above. Doing this well builds the same sort of value women want from being cherished. They are both centered around feeling valued and needed. And thus desired.
As you can see, we (men and women) are not as different as it might first appear. Follow these two things and you just might have a satisfied man on your hands.
At least those are my opinions.
Ladies, let’s hear from you. Share your secrets to keeping your man smiling?
