a caged lion
i spoke with a friend from church yesterday and in the flow of conversation he said something that got me thinking. i’d gone on and on about ideas i have for ministry, for the young emerging adult group that i try to have community with, and so on, and he said…
“more ideas than you have time for”
hmmm. he didn’t say it to make some point. i dont’ think he did anyway. it was one of the offhand remarks that come in the conversations we have about life and busyness. but it did get me thinking again.
i’ve been contemplating a blog post about destiny or purpose. i often find myself wondering how one truly knows his purpose or destiny. it seems, at least in my life, that God has offered me visions and psuedo-talents that could be used for something great. too, it seems he’s offered the flicker of passion for the things i don’t know, things that would help make that the overall vision happen. sometimes i see those passions and talents, as confirmations, and I get all fired up and ready to move forward.
and then the roadblocks. followed by the doubt. followed by the feelings of helplessness and failure. sometimes even before i start. the voices…
“why would anyone listen to you?”
“who do you think you are that people would follow you, or heed your counsel”
“you aren’t interesting enough, magnetic enough, attractive enough. people don’t like you, they tolerate you.”
these are the taunts i hear, have heard really, for all my life. that i don’t measure up. that i am too small and insignificant. that i’ll never make the mark i feel i am meant to make.
strangely, these depreciating voices are so much stronger than the zeal of the idea and the passion to pursue. so the result is doubt. i am often asking God the same question.
“why have you given me so much, with so little?”
i want to know how i can so unmistakenly hear from God the path he wants me to go, and then look around and find so many obstacles to get on that path. why do i have “more ideas than i have time?” i don’t know.
unless of course, it isn’t Him at all. just me, seeking significance. maybe its both. i don’t know.
i do know what it feels like though. like the pressure of the waters waiting for a crack in the dam. like a caged lion, a pulled sling on the slingshot. it’s like the bullet in the chamber, the runner at the start line. waiting so anxiously and with so much fervor for the gunshot! a state mixed with wonder, frustration, power, passion, and will. because in the end,we know we must bust the dam, and tear open the cage. the sling has to let go, and the trigger will get pulled.
and when it does, God will show himself through the purposes He’s set before us. the purposes he intended for us. the purposes that no amount of self-doubt can prevent.
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