ever wonder what it’s like to know what you’re here for?
i do. i’ve been wondering that for like over ten years.
i knew what people said.
“you’re gonna be just like your dad.”
“i see a glow in you.”
but you can’t go on what other people say. my dad happened to be a minister/pastor throughout most of my life. so to “be just like him,” that meant i’d have to do the same. and honestly, there wasn’t anything scary about that. i had experienced a measure of leadership early on. something to build. i loved the scriptures and battling through what God really means to us as he’d chosen to reveal himself in Word and Flesh. i wasn’t afraid of the crowd, of the lights, of even the lifestyle. it wasn’t scary. in fact, a secret part of me kind of wanted to go there.
but i needed the “thumbs up” from God. and for all these years, i hadn’t gotten it.
there has never been a time in my life where i felt so clear about the direction my life should go in. never. not in my previous marriage. not in job selections, not with anything. God has place a burning flame so constant and steady, it’s like my heart is that bush moses spoke to that burned but was not consumed. passion. drive. excitement. even readiness.
but what now. what’s the next step.
i often ask God, “how cruel is it to tell me what you want me to do, without giving me the way to do it?’ perhaps that is my impatient flesh talking. or perhaps it is the effects of the long winding road that has led to this point. i don’t know. but God has given me a ministry. an egypt. i’m certainly no moses, but i can understand the idea that he was given a certain people. a direct calling. a vision and a plan to go and tend to the needs of the bondage israelites.
i think i know who my israelites are. but i don’t know where to start. what to do next. i feel like those toy cars that you wind up or drag backwards to get the wheels ready to go. God’s wound me up, pulled me back and pointed me in a direction, but he hasn’t let go yet. im still here. stuck. ready… but stuck.
its both delightful and frustrating.
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